Oddities
by Mythdefied
Summary: Putting up with Autolycus. (Slash, Ares&Auto, Herc&Iolaus.)


General Comments: Inspired by Candace and Roo's Incredible Hercules Random Plot Generator. That thing is _wonderful_! I've listed the plots and words I used at the end of this fic. 

Warnings: R 

Disclaimers: Making no money, claiming no ownerships, and intending no infringement. 

Archive: my LJ and my site.   


***********   
Oddities   
by Erin   
October 2003   
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"This is a joke, right?" Autolycus peered over his goblet, squinting. The light wasn't dim and the inn wasn't exactly crowded, but he was starting to suspect he was seeing things. 

"Do I look like I'm joking?" Ares raised an eyebrow. "Besides, I'm perfectly serious. Worship me." He sat back in the chair he'd appeared in moments before, looking for all the world like he belonged in a run-down tavern out at the ass-end of nowhere. 

"Worship you? Right." Autolycus snorted. "Now, assuming this isn't a big trick someone's pulling on me, like, oh, say Hercules dressing up his brother and talking him into playing a big joke on his good buddy Auto -- of course, I guess that'd mean the Big Guy actually grew a sense of humor between now and the last time I saw him, which isn't too likely, is it? Anyway, assuming this is legit and you _are_ Ares, why would you want a thief worshiping you?" 

"Not just any thief, the _King_ of Thieves," Ares pointed out. "And let's just say I have an appreciation for your talents." 

"Uh-huh." Autolycus looked suspiciously at his wine. It _had_ tasted a bit funny, but he'd thought the innkeeper was just watering it down. "This wouldn't have anything to do with trying to use me against Hercules or Xena, would it?" 

Ares shrugged, a lazy movement accompanied by a smirk. "It might have a few...side benefits. But that doesn't change all the advantages it could have for you." 

"Such as?" It was a bit murky, but Autolycus could see the bottom of the goblet when tilted just right, and there didn't appear to be anything strange floating down there. 

"Divine protection from any other gods whose property you might...appropriate. An inside track on where the best treasure can be found -- it's amazing what some kings and warlords keep hidden in strange places. A guarantee of a _very_ long life." 

"Yeah, sounds peachy." He sniffed the wine, but he just smelled grapes and alcohol. Kind of a sour smell actually and the stuff did taste more like vinegar than real wine. "Look, sorry to disappoint you, but I'm not in the market for a new god." He downed the last of the wine in one swallow. Wiping his mouth with the back of his hand, he offered up a wide grin. "However, since you went to all the trouble to track me down and offer me that lovely proposition, I think I should give you a demonstration of one of those 'talents' you want to appreciate." He tossed the goblet aside. 

Autolycus didn't think he'd ever seen Ares look that surprised, of course he'd never seen Ares from this angle either. Down on his knees, between Ares' spread legs, he pulled Ares' belt open. "Let's see if this sword is as big as the other one you're always carting around." He gave Ares a sultry look as he unbuttoned the tight black leather pants, freeing Ares' thick-- 

"Oh, come on!" Iolaus slammed his mug down on the table. 

"_What_?" Autolycus said indignantly. "I'm just getting to the best part here!" 

Iolaus rolled his eyes. "First of all, there is _no_ way any of that _ever_ happened. Why would Ares bother with you to begin with? Secondly, you're trying to tell me you went down on the God of War in the middle of an _inn_, with other people there! And Ares didn't skin you alive? Now you figure out why I'm not buying it." 

Autolycus crossed his arms, giving Iolaus a superior look. "Just because _your_ sex life is drab, boring and vanilla--" 

"Hey! It is _not_ vanilla." 

"Yeah, whatever, Shorty. I'm sure Mr. Morality there lets you get a leg over every night without a lecture, huh?" Autolycus waved a hand at Hercules. 

Iolaus glanced at his friend beside him. Hercules just continued to sip from his mug placidly, eyes focused on the crowd around them. 

"Herc isn't as bad as you think he is." 

"Oh, really?" Autolycus snorted in obvious disbelief. "He's a complete stick in the mud, Blondie. The guy hasn't said one word to me in three days." 

"Just because you're annoying doesn't mean Herc is boring." Iolaus leaned forward, resting an arm on the table. "He's very...inventive." 

Autolycus laughed out loud. "_Him_? What? Does he think he _invented_ the missionary position or something? Please!" Shaking his head, he grabbed his empty mug off the table. "I need a refill. When I get back, I'll tell you about the time Artemis and her gals kept me as a pleasure slave for six weeks; maybe you'll learn something." He hopped up out of his seat and vanished into the crowd before Iolaus could find the words to properly express his scorn concerning _that_ little fable. 

"_Gods_," Iolaus cursed, slumping back in his chair. "I don't know how you put up with him for the past week, Herc! If I'd been with you I would've bound and gagged him and left him on the side of the road somewhere. I swear, an infinity in Tartarus would be better than listening to him lie through his teeth for days!" He sighed and glanced over at Hercules -- who was still staring out at the crowd, sipping his ale. 

"Herc?" Iolaus frowned when that received no response. "Hey, Hercules; what's wrong?" He tapped his friend on the shoulder. 

Hercules looked at him and frowned back. 

"C'mon, Herc, what's up?" Iolaus asked, wondering if seven days on the road with Autolycus had broken Hercules' mind somehow. 

Hercules' eyes widened slightly then. "Oh! Sorry, Iolaus. Didn't know Autolycus was gone." Setting his mug down, Hercules pushed his hair back and removed what looked like bits of scrunched up leather from inside his ears. "Wow," he said, shaking his head a bit. "It sure is noisy in here, isn't it?" 

Iolaus just looked at him, and laughed. 

Fin 

Plot 1) Ares tries to convert Autolycus. Three words: wine, grin sultry.   
Plot 2) Hercules stops speaking to Autolycus. Three words: inventive, skin, infinity. 

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© 1998-2003, Erin. 


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